Good Sex Education Can Prevent Having Bad Sex – PLUS: May is National Masturbation Month

 Who better to talk about masturbation than Dr. Carol Queen, Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a company that created the Masturbation Hall of Fame. As a member, Dr. Carol explained that the Hall of Fame was founded in response to Dr. Joycelyn Elders being fired in 1994 for suggesting that masturbation be taught in the schools.

Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana know many ways to prevent bad sex.  They discuss surefire ways to not get what you want sexually. What follows are their top ways to have bad sex:

Compare yourself to others: Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and the person you’ve having sex with – and don’t turn away. We need self-knowledge on a sexual level. How do we learn about ourselves, explore ourselves? How can we gain more sexual confidence?

Ignore your body:  None of us have perfect bodies. It’s not always easy, but working with the body you’ve got is one crucial part of improving your sex life. Knowing your body and its responses leads to more pleasure! Tons of surveys show that guys are not complaining about their partner’s rear end. If he wants to sleep with you, he finds you attractive. Don’t talk him out of it! If there’s any way to free your energy from body anxiety – and put it into having fun with him –  you’ll enjoy many more good times ahead. Some people struggle to get fully into their bodies and remain stuck in their heads. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy any kind of sex. Learning to massage and be massaged (Sensate Focus Exercises) might help your body put down its armor.

Stop paying attention: Sexuality is as much about awareness as it is about action. Our bodies and minds keep changing, developing over the years – and so does our sexuality. When you stop paying attention to your personal sexual feelings and experiences, you shut yourself off from aspects of your sexual self. The goal is to become less sexually ignorant as we age, not more.

Grow up, get serious: Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play we engaged in when we were kids. (The native Inuit people of Alaska call sex “laughing time.”) If you make sex just one more thing that’s serious and routine, you lose much of the power and the magic of sex. Perhaps sex doesn’t need to have a beginning, middle and an end. Don’t start with penetration … laugh and play together!

Believe that ignorance is bliss: Learn something about sex that’s relevant to your own life from someone who is qualified to teach you!

Confuse sex entertainment with sex education: Good Vibrations offers classes and training that provide sex education. Porn can be a problem; for example, boys watching porn and expecting their experiences to mirror it. If you are feeling genuinely stuck and distressed about your sex life, be sure and turn to a qualified sex counselor or therapist.

Let fear be your guide:  Sex can be scary … in part because sex demands that we give up control and expose ourselves. Thus, many don’t talk about their desires, don’t tell their partners what they really want to do. If you’re in a safe relationship where there is trust, there is less to fear.

The show turned back to masturbation. What are some of the best-selling sex toys? Dr. Diana’s newest favorite toy is the Lelo Sona Cruise, a sonic “clit sucker.” Dr. Carol talked about the recent clit sucking revolution in toy technology. It’s a different kind of stimulation – perhaps closest to oral sex.

There is a wealth of products and educational material available at www.goodvibrations.com. In addition, check out Dr. Carol’s book The Sex & Pleasure Book. It a magnificent guide for great sex for everyone!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Carol Queen

Comprehensive Sex Education Often Prevents Unwanted Pregnancies

Studies by the federal government and others show that young people’s sexual risk-taking is actually promoted by ignorance, not knowledge. Social liberals and conservatives appear to hold polar opposite views on sex education. Conservatives often present the idea that sex for teens is dangerous.

My guest, Dr. Carol Queen, is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. Dr. Carol has lived in San Francisco for 35 years, and remembers that her city lost twenty thousand residents due to AIDS in the 1980s and 90s. This led San Francisco to institute a comprehensive sex-education program in grades five, six, and seven. Even so, this program never mentioned sex without intercourse, such as hand jobs and oral sex. The belief was that the idea of teaching pleasure would be too much of a risk.

Parents need sex education, too. When they are more confident, they are better at sexually educating their kids. The Journal of Sex Research published a study demonstrating that the likelihood that adolescents will have intercourse decreases as the number of sexual topics they discuss with their parents increases. This study was repeated by entirely different researchers the following year, with the same results.

When sex education (through the schools and/or parents) is comprehensive, teens examine their sexual decisions far more carefully and wisely. Studies show that many with better information choose to postpone intercourse and to use contraception when they do begin to have intercourse.

Sex education that simply teaches “just say no” to sex is unrealistic and ineffective. A CDC study shows that only 12% of those who take virginity vows keep them – a failure rate of 88%. Research about teen pregnancies in all 50 states showed that abstinence-only sex education is ineffective in preventing teen pregnancy and may actually contribute to it.

Dr. Carol recommends this excellent book by Heather Corinna: S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens & Twenties. She also suggests “A Sexplanation” a movie by Alex Liu. “In his quest for a good sex education, health reporter Alex Liu meets with educators from Planned Parenthood to Porn-Hub to strip away shame from sexuality.”

Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol also discussed the criminalizing of bodily autonomy because Roe v. Wade may likely be overturned. Anti-abortion laws have wide-ranging public health, economic, and social consequences. It’s been shown that women denied abortions experience more poverty, have more anxiety, and their existing children experience developmental consequences. Anti-abortion laws can also be deadly: research asserts that overturning Roe could lead to a 21% increase in pregnancy-related deaths.

Bodily autonomy is a human right. Abortion is essential health care. Period.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. 1 hour):

Cannabis for Couples

Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabinoid specialist physician based in Boston (although he sees patients from anywhere via telemedicine visits). He’s the perfect guest for today—April 19th—one day short of the annual cannabis celebration of “4/20”! Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Bryan Brewer, Dr. Diana’s husband, joined as the cohost.

Dr. Tishler was quoted in a recent New York Times article titled “Cannabis for Better Sex? Here’s What the Science Says.” Although the research has room for improvement, some studies indicate that using cannabis can help with sexual concerns such as low desire, inability to reach orgasm, erectile and ejaculatory dysfunctions, and others. Dr. Tishler recommends trying cannabis alone for the first few times and masturbating, in order “to understand what it does to the body and sensations.” Then introduce its use with a partner.

A key piece of his advice is to “start low and go slow.” Finding the right dosage is critical. Too little and you won’t feel much of the effects. Too much and you can become overwhelmed, which can eventually lead to the development of tolerance. (Don’t worry—you can’t die from an overdose of cannabis!)

To find the right dosage, Dr. Tishler advises patients to start with inhaling one puff from a cannabis flower vaporizer (not cannabis oil), which would typically deliver about 5mg of THC, the main psychoactive molecule in cannabis. He suggests that most people will benefit from a dosage ranging between 5mg and 20mg of THC. (Edibles and tinctures are too slow to take effect for sex, and smoking cannabis is not good for the lungs.) He also maintains that there is no particular “strain” of cannabis that works best for sex (or any other purpose).

There are many pleasures to be found by combining cannabis and sex. It can help with orgasms. The more intense orgasms you have, the more it strengthens the bond between the partners and motivates you to have even more sex!

Dr. Tishler is an articulate and tireless advocate for patients seeking to take advantage of the benefits of medical cannabis. His blog site has more than 200 articles exploring many aspects of this topic. In addition, he is the founder of the Association of Cannabinoid Specialists, an organization of professionals offering evidence- and experience-based education for patients, cannabis clinicians, referring clinicians, and lawmakers to help them understand cannabis medicine and make informed decisions. You can also view the site’s listing of cannabis clinicians to find a provider near you.

Dr. Diana, author of Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine, offers a free download of the bonus chapter entitled “Cannabis for Couples” at www.DearDrDiana.com.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

THE ONLINE DATING SCENE for THOSE OVER 50

 Dr. Diana and Dr. Linda De Villers, longtime friends and colleagues, brought different perspectives to the conversation. Dr. Linda, author of Love Skills, is recently single and has just begun online dating. Dr. Diana was widowed in 2000 and was on and off dating sites until 2010 when she met her man, now her husband! As sex therapists, both docs have single clients wanting guidance around online dating.  With patience and persistence, you can find a wonderful partner – and enjoy the search in the meantime!

For setting your online expectations, it can help to run the numbers: MEET 9 PEOPLE. Our brains are best equipped to handle five to nine options – or there may be cognitive overload. Pick nine, meet in person, then take a break while you get to know at least one. GIVE IT THREE DATES, even if you don’t feel the chemistry. Attraction is important, but if someone meets your needs, you may find the attraction follows.

Writing your Profile. This is the place where potential dates get a sense of what kind of personality you have. Show your heart – people are looking for authenticity. What do you really want out of life? What’s truly important to you? But don’t give your life story. Focus on what you’re looking for in a partner, in a relationship, and what you enjoy doing. Give interesting examples of where you like to go and what you like to read. You want to give off an air of confidence and positive energy.

Protecting yourself both online and offline. Do your due diligence, perhaps with some online searches. Set up meetings during the day in a public place. Do try to smile, laugh, and be pleasant. You can talk about why you liked the person’s profile and note the similarities between the two profiles. Do mention something really interesting about yourself. Listen and ask questions about what the other person says.

Some older women fear he’ll want sex right away. The reality is that plenty of people don’t mind waiting, and someone who is right for you will respect your boundaries. You can say, “I’m attracted to you, but I want to slow this down” … “I don’t have sex with someone this soon, so for now why don’t we just kiss and cuddle.” Dr. Linda described how important TOUCH is in general; sadly, many older people have real skin-hunger.

Persevere! An estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Lori Buckley on Decisions for 2022 (and Remembering Betty White)

Sex therapist Dr. Lori Buckley returned to discuss decisions we can make in 2022, a subject she is familiar with. Her book—21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship—guides you in making key choices to enhance your pleasure and develop a more intimate connection with a partner.

But first, Dr. Diana and Dr. Lori looked at lessons we can learn from the life of beloved actress Betty White, who died on December 31, just a few weeks shy of her 100th birthday. How can we stay Golden? The first lady of television captured unique humor, timeless wisdom, and impish irreverence in The Golden Girls, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Hot in Cleveland, among others. Wendie Malick, one of Betty’s co-stars on Hot in Cleveland said, “We were so fortunate to have a mentor like her to show us that it ‘ain’t over until it’s over.’ She gave me the courage to go into my third act.” Betty White recalled that she was born a cockeyed optimist, and that she got it from her mother. Betty always found the positive! She seemed utterly approachable, a woman whose warmth seemed to reach out to us.

Ahhh … but there was also the bawdy side of Betty. Ryan Reynolds, who played her grandson in the 2009 film The Proposal, said of her jokingly, “a typical Capricorn. Sleeps all day. Out all night boozing and snacking on men.” According to Betty, you’re never too old for sexual desire. “I don’t have a fella, but if Allen [her late beloved husband] – or Robert Redford – were around, we’d have a very active sex life,” she told AARP in 2010 at the age of eighty-eight. “Sexual desire is like aging – a lot of it’s up here (points to her head).”

Dr. Lori spoke about her book 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship. Why are decisions different? She explains, “A decision is not something you merely think about. It’s something you actually do.” Fear of failing actually keeps people from trying; that’s too bad, because we can learn so much from our failures. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Lori and Diana practiced this by taking risks over the years, mostly in their 20s and 30s. Eventually, it became easier to embrace change. Dr. Lori spoke about her decision last year to move to Napa, where she knew no one. In 2008, Dr. Diana moved to Seattle, where she also knew no one. Dr. Lori emphasizes how important it is to be clear about what one really wants. (You can find lots more from Dr. Lori at her Stuff of Love online store and her Stuff of Love YouTube Channel.)

One final reflection on Betty White: people will remember her as a good person. People will remember how she made them feel – as they laughed. Betty White was quick-witted, aged successfully, and was so universally admired!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Intentional Pleasure with Masturbation & Vibrators

Masturbation is a touchy area! Dr. Carol Queen informs and entertains as she talks about masturbation and vibrators. She is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women’s pleasure. She is also the historian and curator of GV’s Antique Vibrator Museum in San Francisco. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This is the ultimate how-to, why-to, what-to book about sex!

Dr. Carol the Historian: Masturbation therapy for women is not altogether new. Genital massage was a common medical treatment for sexually frustrated women going all the way back to Hippocrates’ day. At the time, the doctors lacked batteries and so had to make do with fingers (or, often, those of a midwife). Electricity came along and by 1917 there were more electric vibrators than there were appliances! “Pelvic massage” for hysteria persisted all the way through the Victorian era and into the twentieth century. As a medical diagnosis, “hysteria” was removed from the DSM in 1980.

Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed pleasure – our birthright – and how little focus there is on it in our sex education, in our culture, and among our medical practitioners. Because there is little attention to pleasure, arousal is not addressed. Sex toys can really assist with arousal! Excitement is higher partly because there is more blood flow to the genitals. The group of toys called the “clit suckers” are really HOT, and amp up the intensity!

2022 is just around the corner. What are your sexual intentions? The Sex and Pleasure Book ends with this:  “Forty years ago Good Vibrations dreamed of a radical life where pleasure was your birthright.  …  (you) desperately want to experience their authentic sexual selves … What do you think the future of sex will be? How do you see your own sexual future?”

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):