Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book Divorce with Decency, Fifth Edition is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.” Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage-killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

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Erotic author and photographer David Steinberg (www.DavidSteinberg.us) is a thoughtful observer, an explorer with empathy, and a writer with (sex-positive) honesty. I know this to be true because I’ve known David for thirty-plus years. On his previous appearance here we discussed his book This Thing We Call Sex. For this program we spoke of the soon-to-be-published book The Shepherd and the Nymph – The Erotic Letters of Marco Vassi and Eve Diana (edited by David Steinberg). Who was Marco Vassi and why is he important? What are his most important books? Who is Eve Diana and what was the nature of their relationship? David talked about the story behind this book and how it came about. The back story is fascinating! Vassi was a part of the NY sex scene in the 70s and 80s; in fact, he revealed he had sex with a thousand men and five hundred women. He died of AIDS in 1989. His legacy includes many books exploring sexual adventures and openness. His relationship with Eve Diana is noteworthy because David’s book is a private view into their sexual connection. Please tune in – there is more. David’s work as an erotic photographer is also fascinating!

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Frequent guest Sheri Winston is fun, funny, and possesses incredible knowledge! She is the author of Women’s Anatomy of Arousal and today’s program focused on Chapter 4 “The Red-Hot Dance of Yin and Yang.” Sexual energy – the Yin and the Yang – have  similarities and differences. Sheri helped us to understand the differences so that we can deeply connect. Often at our core is the Yin or the Yang energy – with many having both energies, the receptive (Yin) and the Yang (initiating and directing). “Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magical spell; it demands complete abandon.”– Simone de Beauvoir. Not feeling safe because of past sexual traumas can block energies and orgasm. There is so much more. Please tune in!

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Dr. Charlie Glickman (www.makesexeasy.com) and Dr. Diana spoke about two common concerns: checking out during sexual arousal, and learning how to receive sensual touch. If a woman can’t stop thinking about household chores or feels unattractive or can’t stand her partner’s breath, those feelings – not her biology – may be the basis of her lack of desire. No one can be in two places at once; therefore, if you want to be present during sex, you need to be in the moment and let go. Body image issues and past sexual trauma can get in the way of receiving sensual touch. Mindfulness, the practice of nonjudgemental awareness rooted in Buddhism, improves mood and reduces stress – both of which affect desire. Learning to be in the moment and ignore distractions can also help you enjoy sex more, and pleasure fuels desire. To help you let go of distracting thoughts, focus on what feels good in your body. The sensate focus homework exercises provide an excellent vehicle for this. For a woman with low sexual desire, something going on in her life echoes through the nervous system and possibly mutes her sexual response. There are so many avenues to altering desire!

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What are the social mega-trends that are impacting modern romantic relationships? Brad Coates knows. He is a frequent guest and a longtime friend. His book Divorce With Decency (5th Edition) is updated from time to time, with Brad wearing his sociologist hat on top of his lawyer hat. Online dating has meant that proximity is now worldwide and the timing is immediate. Today an estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online, and as many as 15% of American adults have used dating sites or apps. Some are happy to note that people looking for a sweetheart on the internet are more likely to have full-time employment and higher education, and to be seeking a long-term partner. Relationships also end because of the internet: cheating and getting caught is easier. According to a recent survey, 55% of Americans ages 18-45 spend more time on their phones than with their significant others.

There have been major changes in sexuality/pornography as well. The U.S. porn industry generates about $12 billion in annual revenue. Some experts feel that this porn explosion has altered men’s sexual behavior toward women – where they are treated more as “objects.” In Dr. Diana’s practice, there are a few couples where porn does not negatively affect their relationship. Acceptance of pornography by BOTH partners can actually help with communication – what they like, what turns them on, the fantasies they harbor. Porn can be a scapegoat for all the conversations couples aren’t having.

Dr. Diana and Brad also discussed living together, cohabitation, and LAT (Living Apart Together). As so many know, marriage isn’t easy. According to CNNMoney.com, “Money is the top source of marital tension.” Our relationship with money is deeply emotional. Money both symbolizes and embodies freedom, security and control over our lives … and it can be strongly tied to self-worth and our judgements of others. Finally, we spoke of “gray divorces,” in which 25% of all recent divorces involved people who had been married for two decades or more. There are simply more potential new partners out there. Stephanie Coontz calls this a “thicker remarriage market.” Please tune-in for even more!

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Dr. Mark Schoen, a filmmaker and sex educator, returned to the program. We continued our conversation about the documentary “Candice” (aka Candida Royalle). Dr. Mark described Sheona McDonald’s documentary as a real tribute to the late Candice, a visionary who made female-oriented, accurate, and realistic films – often using real couples. She was a good friend to my guest and me. Like many other sex therapists, I recommended Candice’s films and still do. They can be found on www.BetterSex.com, distributed by Adam & Eve. Dr. Mark’s website is www.SexSmartFilms.com. Eleven years ago he started with 46 films, and now has 615 films divided into categories such as Education, Research and Therapy. The site is a sex educator’s dream come true! In 2012 Mark made a film called “Trans” about transgendered folks, a film that has saved lives (the suicide rate is about 41% ). “Trans” can be found on Amazon Prime and iTunes. A documentary entitled “Love After War” – www.LoveAfterWar.org – is nearly complete. It deals with injured veterans who need help healing their relational/sexual wounds. For many, getting more information on sexual health can make all the difference!

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What is Somatic Sex Coaching? This topic is rarely discussed or fully understood. The expert is Dr. Charlie Glickman (www.makesexeasy.com) a sex and relationship coach, a sexuality educator, and a sexological bodyworker. His clients often need to break through the emotional barriers that might have to do with sex, or with expanding pleasure and experimentation. With Dr. Charlie, there’s no kissing, oral sex, or penetration, and if he manually stimulates you, he uses a glove. All touch is one-way. Trauma is stored in the body, and there are triggers around touch that produce fight, flight, or freeze. Dr. Charlie observes that the better one is at receiving pleasure, the better he or she is at sex! For some men, doing manages his anxiety. But, what is he feeling emotionally? He may not feel safe because of past sexual trauma. The same may be true for a woman, of course. Dr. Charlie will return to the program July 23rd. Tune in to learn more!

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