Brad Coates and Dr. Diana love to talk about romance – and have been doing it (on the radio) for more than 20 years! Brad’s title for this broadcast is: “Divergent Wants, Needs, Expectations, and Desires That Men and Women Each Have for Their Romantic Relationships.” As a divorce lawyer, he well knows the three main causes of divorce: sex, money, and family. This show is called LOVE, LUST & LAUGHTER – so, of course we focused on “sex!” As Brad says … in divorce situations there has been either too much sex outside the marriage, or too little within it. “Relationship ruptures” are first explained by Brad in the form of data: 60% of men, but only 35% of women, say sexual activity is important in their lives. Once again, COMMUNICATION rules! Why are many women not so interested in sex? What about the older woman and divorce? More thought-provoking topics!  Brad is the author of Divorce With Decency, Fifth Edition.

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Grace Bell, Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie – www.workwithgrace.com – returned to the program. Friends and colleagues, Dr. Diana and Grace have this in common: they never want to stop opening up people’s lives! Grace talked about Byron Katie’s key questions for reflection/transformation – Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you react when you believe this thought? And, Who would you be without this thought? Eating disorders and sexuality issues have shame, and often sexual abuse, at the foundation. Grace spoke about her recent Eating Peace Retreat where the group process was very powerful and transformative! Women say, “I don’t care if I’m peaceful…I want to be thin.” And “Bad things can happen – watch out, be cautious.” Grace demonstrated the turnaround process. Mindfulness is essential: for example, noticing what you want right now, noticing what you want to put in your mouth. “No-fault” mindful eating is eating only when hungry and eating exactly what you want, focusing on the food, stopping when full. Women often use food, eating, and weight to express (or suppress) painful feelings about their lives, relationships, sexuality and gender roles. Some feel totally out of control and consumed by self-loathing. Please tune-in for some answers!

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How is your sexual relationship going to improve in this new year? My guest Dr. Lori Buckley – www.DrLoriBuckley.com –  is the author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex & a Happy Relationship. This book offers simple steps to improve your relationship so that it is more satisfying and healthy. As Dr. Lori promises, “There are not many experiences in life as great as mind-blowing sex with someone you love!!!”  And she points out that there is a difference between resolutions and decisions. Listen in and hear the fascinating differences – and/or get her book! We also spoke about negative body image – since weight loss resolutions are so common at this time of year. The only way we are able to enjoy sex is to focus on the pleasure. If you’re distracted by worry that your partner won’t find you attractive, you won’t be a responsive partner. Not helpful for the relationship!

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Brad Coates – the lawyer with the book Divorce With Decency, Fifth Edition – once again puts his sociologist hat on as he describes “The Differing Dating and Mating, Marriage and Divorce, Sex and Romantic habits of Boomers and Millennials.”

Beginning with Boomer women having experienced more recreational sex and more sex partners, they seemed to experience more self-fulfillment over older traditions of duty and lifetime marriage at any cost. An AARP study showed that the Baby Boom generation was responsible for the extraordinary rise in marital instability after 1970. “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll” was the mantra – but they would never have kicked off the sexual revolution without the birth control pill. Now there are higher expectations for their relationships than in previous generations, and more grey divorces, the split or separation of older couples who have been married for a long time. The thicker remarriage market — in which older men and women have greater opportunities to find a partner after the death of a spouse or a divorce — partially comes as a result of over-50 online dating services. We also discussed Millennials and sex. Some are embracing the “New Monogamy.” Hookups seem to be better for men than for women, who report more sexual satisfaction in relational sex. “We hook up because we have no social skills. We have no social skills because we hook up,” is a quote that may describe a Millennial problem. In addition, there may be the paradox of choice – too many choices, but no actual ability to act on any one of them. There is so much more. Tune in!

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After nearly ten years on Progressive Radio Network, I suspect you know that I have a deep belief: your sexuality matters! My friend and colleague, Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com), has the very same belief. We’ve both recently returned from conferences – Linda was at the 24th Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) held last month in Mexico City, and I attended the annual meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS or Quad-S) last week in Denver. We had conversations about two of the presenters: Dr. Ellen Laan (WAS) and Dr. Meredith Chivers (Quad-S).

A few points from Dr. Laan’s talk included that sexual pleasure is a very gender-embodied affair, that women have four times as much testosterone than estrogen, that sex for reproduction occurs about 1% of the time (the other 99% for pleasure), that there is way too much focus on penises (fingers work better), that lesbians do better with regard to orgasms (vaginal – again fingers, not dildos), and that gender differences are on the decline. Conclusion: Instead of men being from Mars and women from Venus, perhaps we are all from the same planet.

Meredith Chivers is leading the Canadian effort to give women better orgasms. She and other researchers are increasingly using eye-trackers and brain scanners to get a direct look at our largest sex organ: the brain. Heterosexual women’s genitals become aroused from viewing lesbian sex, copulating bonobo apes, and more. Female sexuality is more fluid. Vaginal flow and lubrication does not always mean that a woman feels subjectively aroused. It may be adapted to react to sexual violence – lubricating to protect delicate tissues from injury. Men who say, “If you’re wet, you must want it,” are buying into a misogynist myth.

Distraction is also studied: it may well be that distraction correlates with sexual dysfunctions such as distressingly low desire and arousal. Mindfulness may work as a bridge to sexual awareness. Sexuality is a window into one of the greatest human mysteries: communication between the mind and the body – and how we can better align the two. Tune in for so much more!

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Brad Coates is a Honolulu divorce lawyer and a frequent guest on this program. His book Divorce with Decency, Fifth Edition is full of straightforward insights about the winds of social change. He contends that divorce is not the shameful “failure” it was once considered – but more an “essential aspect of a revamped marriage system.” Brad contends that nowadays marriages must be held together by love, not by need. He has a list of marriage-killer factors: the internet (more options for more partners); sex (now available without marriage); religion declining; the “She-economy” (rapid rise in education, career and monetary advancement for women); living arrangements (cohabitation and living solo is fine); expanded benefits (government, corporate benefits previously available only to married folks, now available to “significant others”/”life partners”). Yet, as Mark Twain observed, “To get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.”  The glue that holds couples together consists of many things: laughter, companionship, tenderness – and sex. The busyness of marriage is real, but we also use it to protect us from raw intimacy, from having to be too open too much of the time.

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