Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of Love Worth Making – How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, was my guest for a third time. We mainly discussed two core relational concepts: Attachment and Differentiation. Dr. Snyder speaks of “enactment,” where you unconsciously get another person to play a part in a misunderstood drama. Attachment is part of this because someone who is genuinely adored as a child will grow up expecting people to adore them. This is often described as secure attachment. Someone who felt unloved will often be attracted to partners who don’t love them. People who have this anxious attachment style crave intimacy and closeness; but they may have a harder time telling someone what they want and they may withdraw. People with avoidant attachment are all about doing things on their own and enjoy calling the shots. They may worry that being committed to someone will mean a loss of independence.
When it comes to differentiation, Dr. Snyder first talks about Dr. Murray Bowen who studied families who were “poorly differentiated.” These are families who get wrapped up in each other’s emotions – and so everyone is anxious most of the time. Then he spoke of Harriet Lerner. Her classic 1985 book The Dance of Anger describes taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being in a relationship. Dr. Diana and her guest then focused on Dr. David Schnarch’s work, who says great sex is not about how your body looks or how you position it. It’s about your frame of mind and emotional connection with your partner. He proclaims that you don’t work on your marriage, your marriage works on you, because it may well force you to confront yourself and your own issues. There is so much more! Please listen to the podcast and check out my guest’s website at www.LoveWorthMaking.com.
Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):
