Many women encounter some type of challenge in experiencing an orgasm. This may be frustrating for you because orgasms benefit women physically and psychologically in many ways, from easing menstrual cramps to alleviating stress. Orgasm is experienced in the part of the brain that rules emotions. Sexual release decreases irritability, leaving you with a sense of well-being and general feelings of relaxation.
Trouble having an orgasm can also be problematic for your partner who wants you to experience the heights of sexual pleasure as well.
Female orgasm can result from stimulation of the clitoris, the inside of the vagina (G-Spot and cervix), and sometimes even other, non-sexual parts of the body. You may have heard some debates about the relative merits of the so-called “mature” orgasm (vaginal) vs. the “immature” orgasm (clitoral), but this talk amounts to little more than psychiatric clamoring. Most of pre-orgasmic clients I work with would gladly settle for any kind of orgasm, no matter how “immature!”
Here are three of the most common problems I encounter with my clients.
- Fears. Fear of orgasm, which is fairly common among women who have difficulty, may be expressed in several ways. You may describe it as a loss of control. Or you may be concerned about your appearance or behavior. Attitudes from childhood can interfere. If you grew up with highly religious and repressed parents, you may have learned to distrust pleasure and to value self-denial – feelings that you may carry into the marital bed, or into a committed relationship.
- Orgasm with Masturbation but Not with Intercourse. Often an orgasm reached during self-stimulation feels more intense because you are concentrating on your own pleasure, with no distractions. Sometimes intercourse doesn’t last long enough. Or you may fear being hurt. Or you may not get adequate physical stimulation.
- Faking O’s. Some women may do it as an easy way out. For example, you may be tired. Or you may want to bolster your partner’s ego. This stems from a common misconception that your partner is responsible for your orgasms. If it occurs often, you are trading pleasure for approval. And, the need to fake will interfere with your natural responsiveness.
Solution Approaches
My eleven years of experience in running women’s sexuality groups has taught me that success in becoming orgasmic with a partner begins with gaining comfort with your own body and responses; therefore, increased body acceptance and knowledge is necessary.
Naturally, if you have been sexually abused, you are more likely to have trouble reaching orgasm, even in a loving relationship. Sex Therapy helps in overcoming the blocks and being able to trust again.
Here are several approaches that may help resolve women’s orgasm problems.
- Masturbation. This is the surest path to orgasm. What you learn about your body through personal experience can be communicated to your partner, too. All women, especially those who are very inexperienced and shy, should first get acquainted with their own genitals during some private, “alone time.” The ability to move freely is also important because you may suffer from chronic tension in their pelvic area. It helps to learn to relax your tummy and move your hips. Sometimes, the mental erotic component may be lacking in your self-stimulation orgasmic attempts. Reading erotica can help you stay focused. Here’s a HOT TIP: Allow an orgasm to happen if it happens, but focus on all the sensations and feelings your self-stimulation provides.
- Orgasm with a Partner. The most common exercise I prescribe for couples in my practice is “Sensate Focus” or “Touch Homework.” Caress it properly, and almost any body part becomes an erogenous zone. Starting and stopping love play – i.e., touching and kissing without any intention for intercourse – can be helpful. Add earlobe, toes, and neck orgasms to the growing list of erotic possibilities. Abandoning yourself to sensation – surrendering to nature – is essential! Relax, enjoy and go with it. Try to avoid multi-tasking during sexual relations.
- Final Thoughts. To think about orgasm and strive for it is often self-defeating. The keys are involvement and enjoyment. Good sex is a kind of mantra; it requires you to concentrate totally on what you’re doing, so your worries recede into the background. It’s a state where our needs for control are suspended. We lose ourselves without feeling lost!
Sometimes sexual medicine is useful. It’s a medical specialty concerned with all matters related to sexuality. It embraces the physical and psychological study, diagnosis, and treatment of sexual concerns of men and women.
I worked at the UCLA Female Sexual Medicine Center where we used the Mind-Body approach. Now, I most often collaborate with Dr. Serena McKenzie (www.DrSerena.com) with excellent results!
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