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Attorney Brad Coates (www.CoatesandFrey.com) provided us with an analysis of the pros and cons of three of life’s most crucial choices: to marry, to re-marry, and to parent. Brad knows all about marriages and divorce because he’s been a divorce lawyer in Honolulu, Hawaii for forty years.  Dr. Diana and Brad discussed this topic. The biggest marital benefits come in high stress environments, and people who are married can often handle midlife stress better than those who aren’t. Marriage may be most important when there is stress in life. It helps to accommodate a partner’s needs as well. Trust is necessary. Does your partner have your best interests in mind? Can you listen nondefensively? We love this motto: “When you’re in pain, the world stops and I listen.” Humor helps, too, in that it may soothe couples inside and out during conflict. If a couple decides to have a child, parenthood can wreak havoc on their relationship and sex life. Many will stay together and feel stuck in a mild but chronic depressive state sometimes called “depressively married.”  Then there are couples who choose not to have children because they want more pleasure for themselves; in other words, they are hedonists. Here’s the paradox: We expect more from our marriages but feed them less. Check out Brad’s book Divorce With Decency, now in its Fifth Edition.

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Sexuality and disabilities – especially for injured veterans – are not addressed or explored enough. Dr. Mitchell Tepper, an internationally recognized sexuality educator and disability expert, has collaborated with filmmaker Dr. Mark Schoen (my upcoming guest on September 4, 2018) in making a documentary film Love after War.  We discussed the background leading up to creating the documentary, and the physical disabilities, with the process leading to sexual self-discovery. (See Dr. Tepper’s book Regain That Feeling.) Our focus moved on to the invisible disabilities caused by PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), TBI (traumatic brain injury), and depression. A former Army psychiatrist was the first to identify failed intimate relationships as the leading cause of suicide. So many relationships would benefit from having conversations about sexual performance. Often for men, and particularly for former soldiers, the problem can be laden with shame. In the end, the film that Dr. Tepper and Dr. Schoen are making is about compassionate love. Please listen for more inspiring details!

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“Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are.” ~ Anna Freud.  Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of Love Worth Making – How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex In a Long-Lasting Relationship (www.LoveWorthMaking.com), helps us move beyond the compartmentalizing of our sexual selves. The focus of the program was on his Chapter 5 “The Art of the Easy” and Chapter 6 “Two Roads to Orgasm.” The discussion reveals some deep, important ideas…Dr. Snyder is brilliant! He summarizes with this —  three things are essential for good sex:  Mindfulness, sex is all about paying attention.  It’s all about the present moment.  And it’s all about being without judgment (that is, acceptance). This show really will help you enjoy love worth making!

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Romantic relationships evolve at life’s different stages. Brad Coates is a divorce lawyer and the author of Divorce with Decency, now in its fifth edition. Brad and Dr. Diana discussed the Millennials (born 1980-1995) and how many are embracing the “new monogamy.” A growing number of couples are reconsidering the terms of their commitment – sometimes it’s referred to as negotiated monogamy. “Monogamish” is the term coined by Dan Savage, a popular sex columnist. When I work with couples considering opening their marriage, I get both partners to come clean about what they feel emotionally capable of handling. Brad talks about Millennials “hooking up”… allowing for physical pleasure while avoiding emotional risks. We also discussed pornography. When the man views porn in secret (95% of the time it is the man), it is often linked to relationship dissatisfaction. Acceptance of porn by both partners may help their relationship in terms of their expectations and their communication. The “paradox of choice” prevails for many – having too many choices – including in the online dating world. Moving on to Boomers (born 1946-1964), Brad spoke about the frequency of “gray divorces.” The 50 plus group has seen their rate of divorce surge 50% in the past 20 years. Brad will return September 18th for a Part 2. Tune in!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of Love Worth Making – How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, was my guest for a third time. We mainly discussed two core relational concepts: Attachment and Differentiation. Dr. Snyder speaks of “enactment,” where you unconsciously get another person to play a part in a misunderstood drama. Attachment is part of this because someone who is genuinely adored as a child will grow up expecting people to adore them. This is often described as secure attachment. Someone who felt unloved will often be attracted to partners who don’t love them. People who have this anxious attachment style crave intimacy and closeness; but they may have a harder time telling someone what they want and they may withdraw. People with avoidant attachment are all about doing things on their own and enjoy calling the shots. They may worry that being committed to someone will mean a loss of independence.

When it comes to differentiation, Dr. Snyder first talks about Dr. Murray Bowen who studied families who were “poorly differentiated.” These are families who get wrapped up in each other’s emotions – and so everyone is anxious most of the time. Then he spoke of Harriet Lerner. Her classic 1985 book The Dance of Anger describes taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being in a relationship. Dr. Diana and her guest then focused on Dr. David Schnarch’s work, who says great sex is not about how your body looks or how you position it. It’s about your frame of mind and emotional connection with your partner. He proclaims that you don’t work on your marriage, your marriage works on you, because it may well force you to confront yourself and your own issues. There is so much more! Please listen to the podcast and check out my guest’s website at www.LoveWorthMaking.com.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):