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The Gray Divorce: ending a relationship in later years

Dr Diana’s return guest Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) is a sex therapist, professor, and author of Love Skills and Simple Sexy Food. Both Dr. Diana and Dr. Linda have seen older couples who end their relationships after 20, 30, or 40 years. Breakups among long-married couples are actually pretty common: a quarter of all recent divorces involved people who’d been married for two decades or more. They often say they grew apart. One of the biggest threats to marriage is … boredom. Other factors may be at play. Henri-Frederic Amiel observed, “To marry unequally is to suffer equally.” Another philosopher, Woody Allen, said, “A relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we’ve got on our hands is a dead shark.”

In a partnership there has to be respect and appreciation for who your partner is, as well as for the person he or she wishes to become. Older people often see the importance of quality of life. Why not? They (we) have fewer years in front of us than behind us. Yes, mortality issues! Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana discussed attachment styles and those who do better in breakups. Also, research has shown that the more one’s self worth depends on the relationship, the more suffering one is likely to feel when it ‘s over. In a breakup, one can get rejection relief by finding and working with a good therapist. The therapist can help the client cultivate more self-love. To be kind and forgiving of what they did or did not do in their marriage, and to be able to experience emotion without getting stuck in anger, sadness, or regret.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

What really turns women on?

The answer to that question has been the subject of countless books and articles offering strategies and seduction techniques on how to bed a woman – and keep her coming back for more. Helping men become amazing lovers is but one skill that Dr. Hernando Chaves possesses. He is a sex therapist in private practice and a human sexuality professor at Pepperdine University (www.DrHernandoChaves.com). Last time, April 6, 2021, Dr Hernando and Dr. Diana focused on helping men overcome performance anxiety. Now it’s the ladies’ turn! Women love incredible sex just as much as men do. Yet many men don’t know how to really pleasure a woman sexually. Listen to this show for some amazing tips!

We started with paying attention.  Pure, non-distracted attention is so seductive and quite affirming! When your partner tells you her thoughts, feelings, desires – really listen. Another way to pay attention is to do nice things for your Love, showing that you are thinking about her. Bringing coffee in the morning to your mate … and the list goes on and on.

Take your time. Some Tantric erotic techniques can be useful – and so is the nuru massage originating in Japan. Put down a rubber sheet on a bed, slather your naked bodies with coconut oil, and slip and slide together. Such fun! The more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched. It gets the oxytocin flowing, which creates a stronger bond. And, don’t forget the feet. A Korean study found that couples who exchanged foot massages twice a week fought less and communicated better than less touchy couples. Dr. Hernando and Dr. Diana also talked about the art and science of cunnilingus. There’s so much more … You’ll want to hear all of this show!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Getting Back Out There

Dr. Ashley Mader, sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org) returned to talk about finding and keeping love in the post-pandemic era. Dr. Diana, author of Love in the Time of Corona, and Dr. Ashley spoke about successful dating at any age. A year of isolation has left many people feeling socially awkward; so, it’s necessary to feel emotionally ready. Part of that process may include getting a new haircut, ditching the sweatpants, and finding a fabulous new outfit. Find your best self … and go for it! But don’t rush into anything, especially if you are an anxious introvert. Online matching may provide an opportunity to practice your interpersonal skills: learning, growing, and modifying your behavior and adjusting your judgment as you go.

The secret to successful dating is to have sensible expectations. Dr. Diana suggested to her anxious, introverted client to pull back a bit on his expectations. He decided for the next couple of months to use online matching as a way to motivate him to get out in the world, to see if the dynamic might shift, and discover if his views might open up a bit.

Can the dating pool be widened by easing our demands? No, that is not compromising, but it requires some re-framing. A new person may not check off all the boxes you have. For example, he does not share your love of travel and baseball. But this person may actually want to hear about your day and doesn’t judge. Other questions to ask: Do we make each other laugh?  Does he/she truly care about how I feel? Is money an issue between us? Are you judging me for my past? Dr. Ashley has a great litmus test using this question: “If I have sex on the first date, and he doesn’t call back, will I be OK?” If you know you will agonize, don’t have sex on the first date. A slower courtship has proven to be a silver lining for many during the pandemic. Other silver linings? Talk about them! Just enjoy life unfolding again.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Lori Buckley

Food and Sex

When I lived in Los Angeles, a good friend introduced me to resterateur Wolfgang Puck. Upon realizing I was a sex therapist, he observed, “The two essentials of life are food and sex.” Dr. Lori Buckley and I agree that food and sex are inextricably linked. What do both hungers have in common? We use the same senses to measure a great meal as we do to appreciate a fine time in bed: the eyes, the nose, the mouth. We both know the sensuality of a glorious meal and the pleasure of great sex!

Dr. Lori’s passion about sex is obvious. She is a sex therapist (www.DrLoriBuckley.com), the author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship, and the host of the website www.StuffofLove.com. What about her passion for food? It began many years ago when she was searching for the perfect French onion soup. Cooking classes followed, and she mastered the French onion soup and learned to make absolutely wonderful meals. I still recall a fun, delicious dinner party where she made the pasta from scratch! Dr. Lori is now living in Napa and taking classes at the Culinary Institute of America.

Dr. Lori observed that a couple who cooks together might reveal who can take direction … and can they be teammates? In my book Love in the Time of Corona, please read Chapter 5 “Revitalize Your Senses.” Maintaining sensory engagement with your partner could involve preparing and eating food together. Make “gastronomic foreplay” part of your date night at home. Feed each other hand-to-mouth, try aphrodisiac foods … oh, there is so much more!

Sexual pleasure helps manage stress and is healthy. Sex toys can greatly enhance sexual pleasure! Go to www.StuffofLove.com where you can find Dr. Lori’s personally selected and tested toys. She created the CPR Card Deck. CPR stands for Connection, Passion, Romance, and the questions in each category inspire great conversations! Her Luv My Vulva™ moisturizing cream is designed for sensual massage to enhance sexual pleasure alone or with a partner. Dr. Diana reports it is a fantastic product! Dr. Lori is offering 20% off any item on her site. At checkout, use the code: PLAY20.

If you think about it, the bond between food and sensual pleasure is the first thing we learn at birth. From nursing to death, food and sex go hand in hand. Whether we’re eating or making love, if we stay in the moment and slow down, we will enjoy more happiness!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):