How do we make it through an already difficult time of year when many measures we have to take to slow the spread of the coronavirus—including sheltering in place and social distancing—exacerbate feelings of isolation and grief? Besides dealing with pandemic/holiday stresses, how do we safeguard a marriage against divorce? Brad Coates, divorce attorney and author of Divorce with Decency: The Complete How-To Handbook and Survivor’s Guide to the Legal, Emotional, Economic, and Social Issues (5th Edition), joined Dr. Diana to sort out these questions and more.

Beginning with COVID and the holidays, it is useful to set realistic expectations, including being flexible about factors beyond your control, and adopting psychological flexibility to help regulate your emotions. Step back and shift your perspective when things do not go the way you expect. Practice self-care by tending to your most basic needs, including sleeping, eating, exercising, and having sex. Yes, sex makes you happier (is a natural anti-depressant), increases immunity, and improves the relationship. (Dr. Diana’s book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine, has lots of suggestions for keeping things spicy during lockdown.)

We are usually stressed about the holidays because there is too much to do, so try to keep things in perspective. This year there is less busyness, perhaps providing more time for reflection and reminders not to take things for granted. By embracing your feelings, difficult conversations about hard decisions are facilitated, as are setting boundaries, being intentional and mindful.

Another important topic: ways to safeguard a marriage against divorce. For one guy it was too late: “My marriage had preexisting conditions, and COVID killed it … We weren’t a partnership, we weren’t working together.” If you want to avoid divorce, being a cheerleader for your spouse, with lots of support and encouragement, really works. So does having sex with your spouse or significant other. We all crave assurance—if not in words, then in body language—that we are still desirable to our partner. We don’t just want a partner who is willing to have sex with us, we want one who wants to have sex with us. If contemplating a divorce, remember that you had what it took to fall in love; it’s entirely possible that you have what it takes to stay there.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Diana Wiley and Dr. Mark Schoen paid tribute to Betty Dodson, Ph.D., a sexual revolutionary known as the “Mother of Masturbation.” Betty died on Halloween at the age of 91. Dr. Diana and Dr. Mark knew Betty personally and agree that her promotion of sexual pleasure was a huge part of her legacy. In her radical Bodysex workshops, Betty taught women how to overcome negative body image and pleasure anxiety. These were also spaces where many women had their first orgasms. Through her books, videos and art, millions of women have known orgasmic bliss!

Mark Schoen is a filmmaker who made the award-winning documentary “Betty Dodson: Her Life of Sex and Art.” For a limited time, folks can view this free on Mark’s website www.SexSmartFilms.com. In the documentary Betty reveals her history through the images of her art and teaches as she entertains. Betty had her first one-woman show of erotic art in 1968 in New York City followed by others. She was interviewed on many television shows from the 1970s to the present, and was recently named number 43 of the 100 most important people in sex by Playboy Magazine.

In the Epilogue of Betty’s 2010 book My Sexual Revolution she reported that an actual little bird visited to her apartment one night. This was a sacred experience that taught Betty patience to wait until the morning when the bird could have daylight to see her way out. The bird was a “divine visitor” who offered Betty this message: When the time is right, the light will be there to see your way out. October 31st was Betty’s time. The light saw her out … leaving some sensual/sexual light behind for those of us who loved and admired her.

Click below to listen to the tribute (approx. one hour):

With so many people stressed out and hemmed in, how can we learn more about HEALING—and experience some of the pandemic’s silver linings? Dr. Ava Cadell is the founder of Loveology University, which provides certified online love coaching and relationship programs, empowering people all over the world. Dr. Ava is Dr. Diana’s good friend and colleague of almost twenty years. She spoke about Dr. Ava’s seven-hour Healing Course now available with loving solutions for how to heal from the loss of a loved one, loss of home or health, fear from the coronavirus, toxic relationships, sexual trauma and more. One solution is more laughter, including laughter yoga, a natural stress buster! It’s like a form of internal jogging, and what a nice way to exercise the heart and boost the mood. The Healing Course also covers water therapy, music therapy, meditation, animal therapy, gratitude journaling, and sexual healing. (You can also access Dr. Ava’s free YouTube meditations online.)

Dr. Ava points out that sex is our second instinct after survival. With all the coronavirus fear, stress and anxiety, it is hard to surrender to sex. (See Dr. Diana’s recent book—Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine—for lots of guidance about how to strengthen your relationships during the pandemic.) In general, a person has to find new positive ways of relating to sex, revisit and bring resolution to past sexual traumas, develop a better relationship to their body, and change their thoughts about control and loss of control. Yes, a person has to reclaim their authentic sexuality!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Sheri Winston knows how to transform anxiety into excitement! As she explains in her book Succulent SexCraft, anxiety is just excitement without enough breath. How about deepening and slowing down your breathing? Sheri and Dr. Diana conversed more about BREATHING and then focused on TOUCH. Sheri knows about sacred sexual traditions, ways that a couple can get into the same arousal zone, and a lot about anatomy. Both men and women have erectile tissues. The paired internal vestibular bulbs—which are part of the clitoral system and are located under the outer labia—are the real “buried pleasure!”

Sheri ventures there is a “Pandemic of Premature Penetration.” One study found that a couple’s average time for foreplay and intercourse was 12 minutes total. When a couple slows down and spends more time sexually engaged, say 30-45 minutes, tissues are engorged, arousal is high, and they may feel like they’re in a deep erotic trance. Then, penetration can feel amazing!

Both Sheri and Dr. Diana suggested seeking professional help if a couple is contemplating divorce. Divorce rates are poised to rise. A Washington D.C. area firm reports a 70% increase in inquiries about divorce representation since March. Don’t be in that group. Read Sheri’s books as well as Dr. Diana’s book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine, and really communicate with your partner so that you can go from “Quarantining to Cocooning.” With the pandemic still raging, we need Sheri’s wisdom—dispensed with such an open heart!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Diana’s return guest, Dr. Ashley Mader, is well versed in differentiation. It is no surprise that differentiation issues are played out in the sexual area. What is differentiation? It involves learning to balance your individuality (separateness) with your emotional connection to someone else (togetherness). Standing on your own two feet—rather than trying to merge with your partner or lose yourself in love—may lead to the best sex you’ve ever had!

Dr. Diana and Dr. Ashley are both experts in aging and sexuality. They spoke about Gail Sheehy’s idea—in her book Passages—that sometime around age 50, the man becomes more romantic and the woman becomes more assertive. We must not mistake genital prime for sexual prime! Dr. David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage focuses on how you don’t work on your marriage; your marriage works on you. Marriage or being in a committed relationship is the ideal arena in which to become clearer about who you are so that you can contribute to and enjoy a better partnership.

In addition to conducting her private practice in Amherst, MA, Dr. Ashely is in her third year of graduate school at the Bowen Center at Georgetown University. Dr. Bowen’s philosophy is that we may have unresolved emotional attachment issues with our family of origin. We may have to toggle between our emotional and intellectual selves. Back to Schnarch because this is important: You give up the fantasy that the other person is going to complete you. So your goal changes from getting someone to love you to being someone capable of loving. Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine is especially timely, and can help with this process.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):