Getting Back Out There

Dr. Ashley Mader, sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org) returned to talk about finding and keeping love in the post-pandemic era. Dr. Diana, author of Love in the Time of Corona, and Dr. Ashley spoke about successful dating at any age. A year of isolation has left many people feeling socially awkward; so, it’s necessary to feel emotionally ready. Part of that process may include getting a new haircut, ditching the sweatpants, and finding a fabulous new outfit. Find your best self … and go for it! But don’t rush into anything, especially if you are an anxious introvert. Online matching may provide an opportunity to practice your interpersonal skills: learning, growing, and modifying your behavior and adjusting your judgment as you go.

The secret to successful dating is to have sensible expectations. Dr. Diana suggested to her anxious, introverted client to pull back a bit on his expectations. He decided for the next couple of months to use online matching as a way to motivate him to get out in the world, to see if the dynamic might shift, and discover if his views might open up a bit.

Can the dating pool be widened by easing our demands? No, that is not compromising, but it requires some re-framing. A new person may not check off all the boxes you have. For example, he does not share your love of travel and baseball. But this person may actually want to hear about your day and doesn’t judge. Other questions to ask: Do we make each other laugh?  Does he/she truly care about how I feel? Is money an issue between us? Are you judging me for my past? Dr. Ashley has a great litmus test using this question: “If I have sex on the first date, and he doesn’t call back, will I be OK?” If you know you will agonize, don’t have sex on the first date. A slower courtship has proven to be a silver lining for many during the pandemic. Other silver linings? Talk about them! Just enjoy life unfolding again.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Lori Buckley

Food and Sex

When I lived in Los Angeles, a good friend introduced me to resterateur Wolfgang Puck. Upon realizing I was a sex therapist, he observed, “The two essentials of life are food and sex.” Dr. Lori Buckley and I agree that food and sex are inextricably linked. What do both hungers have in common? We use the same senses to measure a great meal as we do to appreciate a fine time in bed: the eyes, the nose, the mouth. We both know the sensuality of a glorious meal and the pleasure of great sex!

Dr. Lori’s passion about sex is obvious. She is a sex therapist (www.DrLoriBuckley.com), the author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship, and the host of the website www.StuffofLove.com. What about her passion for food? It began many years ago when she was searching for the perfect French onion soup. Cooking classes followed, and she mastered the French onion soup and learned to make absolutely wonderful meals. I still recall a fun, delicious dinner party where she made the pasta from scratch! Dr. Lori is now living in Napa and taking classes at the Culinary Institute of America.

Dr. Lori observed that a couple who cooks together might reveal who can take direction … and can they be teammates? In my book Love in the Time of Corona, please read Chapter 5 “Revitalize Your Senses.” Maintaining sensory engagement with your partner could involve preparing and eating food together. Make “gastronomic foreplay” part of your date night at home. Feed each other hand-to-mouth, try aphrodisiac foods … oh, there is so much more!

Sexual pleasure helps manage stress and is healthy. Sex toys can greatly enhance sexual pleasure! Go to www.StuffofLove.com where you can find Dr. Lori’s personally selected and tested toys. She created the CPR Card Deck. CPR stands for Connection, Passion, Romance, and the questions in each category inspire great conversations! Her Luv My Vulva™ moisturizing cream is designed for sensual massage to enhance sexual pleasure alone or with a partner. Dr. Diana reports it is a fantastic product! Dr. Lori is offering 20% off any item on her site. At checkout, use the code: PLAY20.

If you think about it, the bond between food and sensual pleasure is the first thing we learn at birth. From nursing to death, food and sex go hand in hand. Whether we’re eating or making love, if we stay in the moment and slow down, we will enjoy more happiness!

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Post-Pandemic Relationship Repair

As more and more folks are fully vaccinated, we are beginning to emerge from our quarantine bubbles. Some are finding that forced togetherness has revealed underlying problems in their relationship. Many need a sexual recharge!  Michael Castleman, author of Sizzling Sex for Life, is the person to help sort out sexual issues. He has been dubbed “the world’s most popular sex writer.” Michael has answered more than 12,000 questions over the past 40 years, most recently on his Psychology Today “All About Sex” blog as well as on his website www.GreatSexGuidance.com. In the past he wrote for the Playboy Advisor.

What makes Michael’s sex book so fantastic is that it is comprehensive and evidence-based. He investigated research published over the past seventy years. One of more than 2,500 studies cited is this: Dartmouth scientists asked 16,000 Americans what makes them happy. Sex ranked at or near the top of the list. Moving from no sex to sex one time a week made people feel as good as having an extra $50,000 in the bank. Just think – it is easy to be happy! It’s right at your fingertips, because you’ll begin with lots of touching.

How can couples rewrite their sexual scripts so that connection and desire are generated? Castleman says begin with talking and touching. Reveal who you are … admit what has been especially hard since the pandemic began. Don’t jump into genital sex; rather, slow down and listen to music – six songs play while you are touching, kissing, playing.  Many say they miss cuddling while watching TV. A foot massage can be enhanced by briefly microwaving a damp wash cloth and then using it on the foot, even massaging through the fabric. Ahhhh! Later, take turns giving each other full-body massages.

Dr. Diana and Michael also discussed scheduling sex, desire differences, dressing up, body image, non-sexual affection, and sex toys. Using a vibrator is another way to play. Men who might feel intimidated need to remember that the best carpenters use power tools!

Finally, life is unpredictable. Don’t suppress or postpone your true desires. Michael Castleman’s Sizzling Sex for Life is your road map.

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Men, Porn, and the Controversy Surrounding “Sex Addiction”

This is the title of Chapter 51 in Michael Castleman’s newest book Sizzling Sex for Life: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Erotic Pleasure at Any Age. This is a comprehensive and easily accessible encyclopedia of sex, and it includes a whole lot you won’t find anywhere else. Why focus on Chapter 51? After the spa killings last week in Atlanta, investigators are still trying to unravel the motivation. Michael Castleman and Diana Wiley both believe it was not anti-Asian racism per se, but rather it’s likely that the shooter’s sex negative, religious fundamentalist upbringing is at the root of his actions. He himself blamed it on his “sexual addiction.”

Throughout history, sex has come in three varieties: reproductive, relationship-affirming (relational), and recreational. Alfred Kinsey’s scientific studies in the late 1940s discovered that most Americans engaged in recreational sex. Many religious fundamentalists claim that sex for fun is sinful, and if a man used pornography to masturbate, it means he is a sex addict. As Michael points out, it is a vicious cycle: shame creates stress, which leads to masturbation and porn, which leads to more shame, and so on. Dr Bradley Onishi grew up in a strict evangelical community and now he teaches religious studies at Skidmore College. The evangelical culture he was raised in teaches women to hate their bodies, as the source of temptation, and it teaches men to hate their minds, which leads them into lust and sexual immorality.

But sex-positive Christianity does exist. Rev. Beverly Dale co-authored Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client: Data and Dogma, which deconstructs potentially harmful Christian beliefs around sexuality to support clients stuck in sexual guilt, shame and fear. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help a person reframe their sexual catastrophizing, which may include ideas such as “sexual thoughts and fantasies are sinful,” “only bad people masturbate,” and “porn is evil.”

Castleman is also a medical journalist, answering more than 12,000 sex questions throughout his career, both on his Great Sex Guidance website and on his “All About Sex” blog on Psychology Today, where he reviewed Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice From a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. He also used to answer all the sex questions for “Playboy Advisor” column in the 1990s. No wonder he was able to write the most thorough sexuality guide ever produced! Find out more about his book at https://sizzlingsexforlife.com/ and then buy a copy! You’ll be glad you did.

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Tantra meets BDSM. Laurie Handlers, MA, explains how kink is connected to Tantra … and she does it happily! Yes, she is the author of Sex & Happiness: The Tantric Laws of Intimacy, an international bestselling book. Many people have sexual fantasies around power exchanges/alternative sex, but don’t really have the skills to act these fantasies out. Laurie and her partner Michael Gibson teach these skills and others in their workshops, covering things like boundaries, safe words, and how you want the consensual sex scene to play out—plus spanking training (scale of 1-10, 10 is STOP… 6,7,8 are the sweet spots). The idea is that certain wicked sensations, including pain, can enhance pleasure. Pain can also help with focus.

The science supports this: a University of Michigan study found that both pain and pleasure can trigger your brain to release dopamine, the hormone that gives you a thrilling rush. Trust must exist between the couple. When it does, sex can be sensational. One partner knows how to surrender and the other knows how to take charge. Tantra practices can be a great prelude to the BDSM scenes. In the Tantric yoga tradition, sex is the life energy that flows through the body. Two lovers can learn to channel this energy and ride it to maximum pleasure. Laurie teaches eye gazing where each one looks into the other’s left eye (the receptive, feminine eye accessing the right side of the brain). Another exercise involves touching hands and breathing in synchrony to merge the energy of the heart and pelvis chakras. She offers a variety of workshops, both online and (later) in person. Laurie knows how to move from bored to playful and passionate!

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A recent survey revealed that 38% of respondents in the U.S. said they would give up sex for a year if they could go on a trip. But what if you could go on a COVID-safer trip to sunny Jamaica where sex, sensuality, and pleasure form the centerpiece of the resort’s appeal? Dr. Diana’s guest on this episode, Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce, has just returned from that resort, Hedonism. (By the way, hedonism is defined as “the pursuit of pleasure, sensual self-indulgence.”) This is Dr. Nancy’s fifteenth year as an ambassador, a teacher for these exotic lifestyle retreats. Hedonism is a place where you can be as mild or as wild as you like!

Dr. Nancy says your intimate relationship should feel like an oasis—a safe place where you can be heard and valued. This is what she teaches in her classes for couples. Many see it as a marriage reboot, a renewal. Dr. Diana spoke about laughter and play, which she also discusses in her book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice From a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. Yes, sex is play! The Hedonism environment encourages playfulness. A singles event is coming up in June. If you have questions about Hedonism, Dr. Nancy offers an Adult Travel Concierge Service at (530) 638-0221 (or if you book directly, use this link: http://www.hedonism.com/?aff=R3687096). Different weeks have different themes and events, and she will guide you. Dr. Nancy offers good guidance about relationships and sex … always.

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Romance. We don’t talk about romance much these days. For many, it has yielded to more pressing priorities: the pandemic, health, children, financial survival. A longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Ava Cadell, is Dr. Diana’s guest and they both agree that Valentine’s Day this year is like no other. These sex docs also agree on how important it is to keep making deposits in a couple’s “love bank” so you don’t run out of currency (which in this case is romance and inclination).

Dr. Ava is the founder of Loveology University and perfectly poised to talk about – Yes! – romance. She has many suggestions for how to make the most out of Valentine’s Day. Love coupons are fun. Giving your lover a photo of your body in a love note is seductive. A new sex toy can provide lots of excitement and pleasure. Make some Valentine Vows—for example, “I promise to give you a sensual massage every week for a year.” Sensual foods and romance and love have long been intertwined, ever since Marc Antony first fed Cleopatra grapes. So, create a romantic dinner for two, perhaps even including some aphrodisiac dishes.

Experienced lovers know about the best aphrodisiac: words. Verbal seduction is the surest road to physical seduction! This seems to be especially true for women, who tend to be more emotional and like expressions of love in a card. Men often prefer sexual favors.

To facilitate all of these romantic, sexy behaviors, Dr. Ava is offering her “4-Packs for Lovers” at half price (use promo code DRAVA50). Also, view her series of meditations on You Tube. Dr. Ava’s latest e-book—Neuroloveology: The Power to Mindful Love & Sex—is being offered free to listeners. This book gives tools to make love last with plenty of fun! Here’s an erotic formula: sensual pleasure + playfulness = great sex!

Listen to the interview to hear more tips for a great Valentine’s Day!  Also, check out the free Sex Menu download from Dr. Diana’s book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. V-Day is a day to focus on love – and sex!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):