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Alternative Relationship Arrangements

David Steinberg is a writer of consummate intelligence and compassion! Whether he is writing books or taking photographs, it comes across that sex is who we are, how we live, and how we experience pleasure and life. I’ve known David since 1988 when his first book Erotic by Nature was published. We’ve been friends for 35 years!

David and I discuss Open Relationships (one aspect of ethical nonmonogamy) and Living Apart Together. David and Kim, his partner of 17 years, practice both. David talks about how they give each other freedom, they get to be who they authentically are. He says they keep it fresh!  Every year and a day Kim and David meet to review and further define their relationship. Do they want to continue for another year and a day? It appears they have the real thing going on, a true love story!

Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) describes the situation where members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and/or romantic partners, and it’s gaining in popularity. More than a fifth of single American adults have engaged in ENM according to recent studies. ENM requires self-reflection, radically open communication, and compassion. Boundaries and rules are discussed; they may need to be re-negotiated over time. The trust is built on the fact that there’s nothing to hide.

Living Apart Together (LAT) refers to committed couples who each keep separate homes, often because they cherish private space and financial independence. Often these couples begin their relationship later in life. Both David and Dr. Diana have their respective LAT situations. The thrill in your relationship tends to endure because you are not living with each other all the time, thus helping to avert the slippery slope into a gray, monotonous relationship. Dopamine, the hormone of arousal, flows when there’s anticipation of wonderful sex to come! Yes, let there be spaces in your togetherness.

David Steinberg is also the author of This Thing We Call Sex. His fine art sexual photography will be assembled into a book Loving Couples, now in production. When it is published, he’ll be back to talk about it, I promise!

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Dr. Mark Schoen is a sex educator and a filmmaker whose website www.SexSmartFilms.com has been called the “Netflix of sex education.” Fifteen years ago, Dr. Mark started with 46 films and now his site has over 600 films divided into three categories – Education, Research, and Therapy.

Many universities use Sex Smart Films knowing that it is a sex educator’s dream come true! Parents need to familiarize themselves with the Education section of the site. Research shows that mothers and fathers who talk about sex with their kids are more likely to end up with adult children who share their values.

Dr. Diana suggests that her client couples use the Therapy section for Sensate Focus Exercises. For her female clients with anorgasmia, using the “Becoming Orgasmic” steps can help with just that! Dr. Mark says many people use these two sections for self-help – when sex therapy is not an option.

Watching any of the films of Mark’s site can be a great way to improve a couple’s communication. Pause after a scene and talk about it. This may help articulate wants and sexual needs. Plus, we learn so much visually.

Dr. Mark and Dr. Diana discussed possible consequences of little or no sex education.

Many folks need to be educated about what it means to be transgender. The transgender community is perhaps the most misunderstood and mistreated minority in America and around the world.

Mark Schoen’s documentary “TRANS” shares the stories of several transgender people in various stages of their lives and their transition, ranging from a 7-year-old to those in middle age. Family and friends viewing this film will better understand what their loved one is going through. At a Univ. of Michigan discussion, a male-to-female trans person was asked if they chose this. The reply: “Who the fuck would choose this?!” They are born this way.

Dr. Mark Schoen gave birth to Sex Smart Films. What a valuable resource!  Check it out.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

Cannabis + Sex = More Pleasure

Dr. Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabis specialist with a practice in Boston. Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Now he helps patients around the world. All of his appointments are virtual.

His website has lots of helpful information. Soon Dr. Tishler will publish his randomized, controlled study with one thousand females, looking at situational orgasmic disorders. Most women can bring themselves to orgasm by masturbating, especially using a vibrating toy. Orgasms with a partner are more difficult for many women. Cannabis helps with orgasms!

“Evidence Mounts: Cannabis Enhances Lovemaking for Most” is the title of Michael Castleman’s Psychology Today Blog post (Oct. 15, 2022). Dr. Diana and Dr. Tishler spoke about the key points:

• As cannabis becomes increasingly legal, many studies show that most users report better sex.
• A 2020 report from Stanford researchers revealed that cannabis increases desire and arousal for most women and improves orgasm and satisfaction, and for most men, cannabis improves their erections and increases orgasms and satisfaction.
• Cannabis doesn’t improve sex for everyone, but the research shows that two-thirds of users report sexual benefits.

Cannabis helps with pain and healing. Dr. Diana shared about her abdominal surgery in February. Cannabis helped with the pain … much better than the opioids! Two weeks after the surgery, she felt ready to resume sex with her husband. Smoking pot made a difference! More healing ensued! (Dr. Tishler also commented on the problem with opioids is that they can cause constipation; in some cases, addiction.)

Another cannabis benefit is that with lowered inhibitions, laughter and play may be more accessible! A good laugh—like a good cry or good sex—is a natural tranquilizer. Turns out, laughter is a natural stress-buster! Plus, remember that couples who laugh together, last together!

On the topic of cannabis vs alcohol, Dr. Tishler observed that alcohol is essentially yeast poop … it’s been through fermentation. It is waste.  The phytocannabinoids in cannabis come from a plant and work on the human body’s own endocannabinoid system. Dr. T. points out that alcohol is toxic to neurons, to the liver, heart and even bone marrow.

Dr. Tishler is a superb guest because he’s so articulate and dispenses excellent information! Spend some time on his website.

Dr. Diana also has more details available in her bonus chapter, “Cannabis for Couples.” Download it free from DearDrDiana.com.

Click below to listen to the interview (approx. one hour):

VALENTINE’S DAY is coming soon – LET’S TALK ROMANCE!

 Dr. Ashley Mader (www.Ourshine.org) joined Dr. Diana to talk about love and romance. After all, love is a topic central to our lives and our search for meaning; alas, mystery and myth still cling.

The two sex therapists explored three areas:

They first targeted singles with the question: Who is my perfect romantic partner? A study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science in 2020 addressed this topic. Sorting through a massive data-set of 11,196 couples, they tried to figure out what makes some romantic relationships happier than others. The academics came to one central conclusion – that relationships are unpredictable. But while data analysis appears unable to point people to their ideal mates, it can tell us why our gut instincts are often wrong. When people choose partners, they tend to favor those who are physically attractive as well as people in certain height ranges. For daters, a potential strategy is to seek out people other daters tend to overlook. He or she may not be your type – but give them a chance! And, find a partner who is already happy, someone who is satisfied with their life and free from depression.

How to reignite passion in a long-time relationship. Passion usually changes over the course of a relationship. The feelings haven’t gone away. They’re just not prioritized; perhaps assumed instead of actionized. When you started dating, everything was about being together. Then life takes over. There are external and internal distractions everywhere. To name a few: cell phone, computer, kids, negative self-talk, worrying, judging, stressing, fatigue, inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, and lack of time. Couples often suffer from skin hunger because there is so little touching. According to research by Johns Hopkins, human fingertips have about 3,000 touch receptors, each! So, spend the night with your hands all over each other! Massaging is great foreplay.

How to truly express love to your partner on Valentine’s Day – or any day, really. To begin with, think about what you want: to be closer, happier, more loving and feeling more loved. This may help push you past your fears. You might open with, “I want to be more expressive, but I haven’t always had the words.” An Adoration List works — five non-material things that make you feel special and loved, and share your list. Also, take turns saying what I love and appreciate about you. Appreciation begets appreciation. It builds a reservoir of good will.

Click below to listen to the show for lots more details (approx. one hour):