Affairs often reflect unmet expectations, lack of excitement, boring sex lives, emotional detachment, and feeling more like a parent than a sexual being. Attorney Brad Coates helped sort out these issues and more. In the fifth edition of his book Divorce with Decency, he addresses affairs and infidelity. Is infidelity inevitable? Are men “hardwired” to cheat? Brad Coates has headed the largest divorce law firm in Hawaii for nearly forty years, and Dr. Diana has seen couples for thirty-five years. Both have observations regarding affairs. Monogamy may not be the gold standard of relationships. Many therapists believe that healthy sexual desire is driven by love – despite the extremely common experience that in long-term relationships, as love deepens, desire declines. Both Brad and Dr. Diana have opinions about how to cope with affairs – and how to rebuild in the aftermath. Every affair will redefine a marriage, and every marriage will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. Please listen for more informative details!

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Dr. Linda De Villers (www.DrLindaDeVillers.com) is the author of Love Skills – A Fun, Upbeat Guide to Sex-cessful Relationships – a wonderful book providing step-by-step programs for sexual fun, adventure and growth! Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana have been friends and colleagues since 1991. They both share this in common: Linda’s mother died at 100 in April and Diana’s died at 95 in August of 2017. Both docs were blessed with secure attachment in their families of origin! This is a positive because our attachment experience influences whether we see ourselves as lovable. If a secure person is with an anxious one, be receptive to his or her desire for security and allay fears when second-guessing or smothering seems to be going on. If with an avoidant who is clamming up, talk about how you can give him the space he may not even realize he wants…get him talking openly! Dr. Linda, who has done research on touch, speaks about getting in touch with touch. We spoke about touch in a baby’s life, how different cultures embrace touch or don’t, the distinction between sensuality and sexuality, and the limitations and benefits of caressing exercises. Body image issues plague many women who believe that they have to have a beautiful body to be alluring and enjoy pleasure. Sometimes it may be a way to avoid being sexual; indeed, a “self-image neurosis.” In order to love another, it’s important to respect his choice of you as a worthy lover. With this kind of self-respect, it’s easier to forget precise physical boundaries in the warm, sensual, sexual world that two people make together!

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We’re calling this show #goodsextoo. In light of the current #metoo conversations, there appear to be women who are unhappy because they had bad sex … not coercive, violent or otherwise non-consensual sex, just sex that wasn’t very good. Sheri Winston and Dr. Diana spoke about how the latter can be prevented. Sheri is a celebrated sexuality teacher, an award-winning author, and a medical professional (www.IntimateArtsCenter.com). Her books are Succulent Sex Craft and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal – both great maps to “buried pleasure!” We discussed communication, mindfulness, and the challenges for men to understand women’s bodies and their arousal patterns. Sheri will return March 27th. During that live program, we will take questions. Please listen to this show, and call-in for the next one!

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David Steinberg, author of This Thing We Call Sex, always a fascinating guest, spoke of his new screenplay project about Marco Vassi – a sexual adventurer and visionary. But first, Dr. Diana and David discussed his fine art erotic photographs. He has been involved with the Seattle Erotic Art Festival for fourteen years, arriving at the “Masters” level. This year he has five photos in the show, which runs April 27-19, 2018. David’s photography is entirely different from porn; while explicit, he is interested in the emotional connection between the couple. Back to David’s screenplay: Marco Vassi was intimately involved in NYC’s sex scene in the 70s and 80s, and the Hellfire Club played a role. Please tune-in for an amazing program…An “erotic masterpiece” is in the works!

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Brad Coates, Esq.

Would you like a few secrets for becoming a vibrant Valentine? Brad Coates (www.CoatesandFrey.com – author of Divorce with Decency) and Dr. Diana’s fiancé, soon-to-be husband Bryan Brewer (www.Funding-Quest.com) joined forces to answer that question. Dr. Diana first described what she’s heard women friends and clients want when it comes to love. LOOKS were not mentioned much. Women tend to be much more forgiving of physical flaws – having spent a lifetime perhaps examining their own. BRAINS. Yes, women love a smart man (or at least a man who loves learning new things), and a man with a sense of humor. WEALTH. Most of the sample seemed not to be gold diggers, saying they can make their own way. Really what women want is someone who has found something he loves and does it well. KINDNESS topped the list! Women want a man who will treat her kindly – and for that, the best women will give and forgive much. Pay attention to the attention she pays; be patient, one-third more often than you feel patient; don’t try to fix it, try to understand it; tell her she makes you feel lucky – and you will win her heart!

Brad points out that many men in midlife move from competing to connecting. The happiest men are more expressive and sensuous – they have cultivated their feminine side. We all spoke about how sensual sex can extend pleasure. Dr. Diana and Bryan discussed what is personally romantic. Romancing the senses by engaging all of them – sight, touch, sound, scent, and taste. Light scented candles, play music, feed each other sensual foods, watch erotic films, wear sexy lingerie (“Brevity is the soul of lingerie” – Dorothy Parker). Smell is especially important: nuzzle and sniff each other; as is touch: massage each other, taking your time. Dr. Diana’s observation regarding Bryan: When I say “I love you,” the words are not spoken out of habit. It is my way of saying thank you for being you and returning some of the joy you have given me. If you have a Valentine, make the most of it!

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Dr. Mark Schoen, a sex educator and filmmaker, returned once again to the show. His website www.SexSmartFilms.com is the Netflix of Sex Education! Indeed, this website is a sex educator’s dream come true. It’s particularly relevant to the issue of consent, which is gaining increasing prevalence these days. Many seem to be especially unable to talk about sex when they are having it, or about to have it. Education is the key. Use your words. If people felt less ambivalent about sex, they could use their words more easily and have much better – and fully consensual – sex! The Sex Smart Films site offers some 600 films, including sensate focus exercises, the science of orgasms, the true story of how babies are made, the science of attraction, and “TRANS” (about the transgendered folks dealing with discrimination and rejection). We also discussed his project with Dr. Mitch Tepper – “Love after War.” So much more needs to be done to help military veterans deal with their injuries, especially sexual injuries.

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